


red red red

by showyourbones



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 17:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2630324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showyourbones/pseuds/showyourbones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes people get sad and sometimes they go crazy but that doesn't mean they can't get family and love. or whatever. that's how chanyeol gets good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	red red red

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings for discussion of mental illness and self-harm and blood, some suicide talk i think, parental abuse, self loathing, and talk of vomiting though not in the context of an eating disorder. watch out, please.
> 
> something that is not finished but i actually just wanted to get it out there. i wrote it when i was, once again, in a bad place except this time it was horrible. usually what i write is so personal to me, i guess. it's cathartic to place it on other people. i kept it out of my sight for months but i came back to it somehow, re-read it and fixed some issues but not much and decided it wasn't so bad to just let it free (haha...hahahhaha.) 
> 
> it's tough to struggle but it's nice to get out in a way that isn't fucking up your life, right? i probably will continue this at a later date there's so much stuff missing and bits and pieces i need to connect and things i need to solve but it was so weird seeing this in my drafts.
> 
> also i have been to these places in here i forgot what the ramen place was called it was like 2 years ago. really good though!
> 
> oh and i forgot this is really self indulgent i don't actually believe any of them are feminists i just made it to make myself laugh i bet you can just guess.......

Chanyeol Park is known for rarely, if ever, being embarrassed. Being falsely confident also came with rarely apologizing for being who he was. A lot of people admired that about him, he even admired it about himself (at least his ability to fool everyone.) Nevertheless as Chanyeol Park stares at his best friend and his childhood crush he is...what's that emotion a lot of people feel? Oh, right: ashamed. Embarrassed. 

He had been acting out the songs on Nothing Was the Same when he finally noticed the two tiny men standing by the doorway. He has no clue how long they’ve been standing there but he is blushing, of course he is.

"Long enough," Jongdae chuckles, as if he's reading Chanyeol's mind. He furrows his eyebrows, the feeling of wanting to sink to the floor becoming more and more intense.

"Hey Park," Kyungsoo says, sending a small wave his way. Chanyeol tries to compose himself quickly; he hasn't seen Kyungsoo Do in person since he was 19, which was 3 years and like 7 dye jobs ago. His crush has faded since then (he hoped, obsessions were never cute) but when Jongdae told him he was moving back to New York for good and transferring into their school for his last year he was unmistakably excited. Kyungsoo was pretty much the opposite of him (probably more gorgeous though) but they always got along really well.

"Yo," Chanyeol waves back. "Jongdae said you were coming but conveniently forgot to mention that he was bringing you over to my studio." Chanyeol sends a glare to Jongdae who just winks and shrugs.

"I wanted to surprise you!" Jongdae whines when Chanyeol doesn’t stop glaring. "I didn't know you were doing your weird shit again listening to Drake. Freak." Kyungsoo laughs quietly. 

"We're here. What are you working on?" Kyungsoo asks and his eyes get even bigger when he spots one of Chanyeol's canvases. "Woah Park! I thought you showed me all of your work," Kyungsoo gasps as he walks over quickly to one of Chanyeol's paintings. Chanyeol doesn't even remember bringing that over since he didn't make it in studio but he figures he didn't want it just sitting in his apartment collecting dust. It’s a mixed media of a figure painting of himself actually, in shades of red and black; a bit macabre and depressing but it was how he had felt that day.

"Dude your work is so strange, " Jongdae says in wonder, letting his fingers graze over the raised paint. "You're gonna get so famous. That's why I'm telling all the kids in our scholarship program they're so important, especially the women, because we have to break down the white hegemony-"

"Jongdae, we have all heard you ten thousand times! We know and we agree, ok?" Chanyeol leans all his weight over his best friend to get him to shut up about white supremacy, at least for now. Being an art history major made Jongdae even more curious than he had been in high school. His thesis was on the huge disparity between white artists and people of color, specifically women and black women. It was fascinating but he always had to remind people to keep their eye on the hypothetical prize: destroying systemic oppression. He'd be fine with living in a box as long as he was making a difference. Well, probably not but he'd be fine with living in a modest to nice furnished apartment with his boyfriend and making a difference. 

"It's really good, Park," Kyungsoo says softly. He smiles at the both of them but he’s looking Chanyeol in the eye.

"Thanks!" He says, remembering to avert his eyes. "Have you eaten? Has this one taken you to your apartment? Let's get food!" He pushes himself off of Jongdae to collect his light jacket, checking for his keys in the process.

"Of course I did! Who do you think I am? Do I need to have him glare at me the whole time he's here because he's irritated he had to carry his shit around?" Jongdae grumbles. Chanyeol hears a grunt; he assumes Kyungsoo shoved him for that comment. When he turns around Jongdae is pouting. "We didn't eat though. You paying? Because I am a poor student and I have to pay rent."

"More like he has to take his boyfriend out on a date soon as an apology for fucking up, I'm sure," Chanyeol scoffs. Jongdae's pout gets even larger. "Let's go. I got paid."  
\--

Chanyeol takes them to a small Japanese ramen place that always has tons of people waiting to get in. Jongdae complains but Kyungsoo says he doesn't mind; if the two of them didn't want it he'd definitely have to leave but it's two against one.

"Three," Jongdae says and points his chin towards the road, Jongdae's boyfriend Sehun crossing the street to get to the outside of the restaurant. 

"Hey," Sehun greets them. "Ah, you must be Kyungsoo." He holds his hand out and Kyungsoo shakes it then smiles, earning a blush from Sehun.

"Sorry, my boyfriend thinks you're really cute," Jongdae peeps up. "Incredible."

"He is," Chanyeol shrugs. Kyungsoo laughs and Jongdae begins to pout again until Sehun goes to his side and kisses him swiftly. 

"I forgive you for not putting your dishes away. If Park is paying, let's order the most expensive thing we can't afford," Sehun mock whispers. 

"You two!" Chanyeol barks, earning the attention of the others outside.

"Jesus, only talking to you through text and a computer screen let me forget how loud you are," Kyungsoo shakes his head but he's smiling so Chanyeol supposes he's not too put out.

"Kyungsoo, why'd you transfer here?" Sehun asks abruptly. He's not the biggest people person or good at small talk, though an exceptionally cute kid and good friend (and maybe good boyfriend to his best friend.) Most people would probably ask about the flight and weather first but Kyungsoo takes it in stride.

"My program at school couldn't accommodate me. I was lucky enough to have all these accumulated credits and extra classes or else it'd be kinda crazy to transfer at the last minute but I was able to." 

"What's your area?" Sehun asks again. "I asked Jongdae about you but it was at 1pm so it was too early for him." That statement is left with laughter but Jongdae grumbling, “See if I ever help you edit a paper again.”

"Sculpture and photography," Kyungsoo nods. "Jongdae told me you do photography and screenprinting? I ask him about you and all this information flies out." 

"Oh? Ah..." Sehun's eyes go wide and he blushes deeply. Jongdae snorts but his hand goes up to stroke at the nape of Sehun's neck. "Yea! I was gonna go to performing arts school for dance but I got into a bad accident with my knee. I think this was made for me though. I hope."

"I'd love to see your work," Kyungsoo smiles at him. 

"Me too!" Jongdae exclaims. "Really, it would be nice."

"Give it up," Chanyeol sighs. "He'll show Kyungsoo but he will never show us unless he absolutely has to, watch."

"You're right," Sehun nods. "He's in my trade so he understands."

"I'm an art historian and your boyfriend! Chanyeol is Chanyeol...I wouldn't either," Jongdae teases.

Just as Chanyeol squints at Jongdae a server tells them they can be seated. They're shoved into a table in the back (there are approximately three tables and a bar anyway) and Sehun and Chanyeol are a bit cramped.

"That's what you get for having so much of you!" Jongdae snickers but tries to make as much more space for them as possible. 

They order their food, ramen and Jongdae orders two Ramune’s for Sehun to treat him even though it’s on Chanyeol’s dime, and by the time the food comes Chanyeol is ravenous. Everyone but Chanyeol uses chopsticks, who has forgotten after years of underuse; Chanyeol glances at Kyungsoo every once and a while trying not to not how his lips look around the noodles and failing. He also tries to ignore the quizzical looks Jongdae is sending him because it’s too much to decipher what they mean.

“Oh!” Sehun exclaims in the middle of their conversation about their thesis evaluations. “Tao, Minseok, and Lara!” Chanyeol turns to where Sehun is pointing at the bar where the three of them smile and wave. They move the three feet it takes to get from the bar to their table and stand in front of it, potentially affecting effective flow of the restaurant but it’s common practice when one of the most popular ramen places in midtown is the size of a dorm room.

“Hey,” Chanyeol is the first one to greet them, though it’s really towards Minseok and Minseok’s girlfriend, Lara, who he really likes. He feels someone kick him under the table, it’s either Jongdae or Sehun because Chanyeol directed not enough attention to Tao. It’s an unspoken thing but everyone in their social circle mostly knows that they do not exactly favor each other. It’s hard because Tao is in a band with Jongdae, he’s also Jongdae’s ex and Sehun’s best friend and Chanyeol has probably always been a bit jealous that he’s always going to be in their orbit too, that to them Tao is just as important to Chanyeol and well Chanyeol has always had a hard time with interpersonal relationships, with jealousy, with wanting to be enough for his friends but not quite meeting it.

To make them feel better he directs a short smile to Tao. 

“Guys, this is our friend Kyungsoo Do,” Jongdae introduces them to each other. “He came back here from California for school. Kyungsoo this is our friend, obviously, and my bandmate Minseok and his girlfriend Lara and my other band mate Tao.”

“Hi,” Kyungsoo smiles at them. “Nice to meet you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this was where you were going to eat, I could have told you we were coming too!” Sehun says. “Oh, but, well there’s like no space. Did you just get here? Sorry we didn’t see you.” Sehun says this all while he’s shoveling food in his mouth, something everyone is used to but Kyungsoo who looks confused as to how one human could talk and consume so much in such a short time.

“Chill,” Tao laughs. “We’re about to leave actually. We saw you walk in but didn’t want to bother you.” Chanyeol tries not to notice the way Tao pointedly does not look at him.

“Actually, I said isn’t that your really cute and tall bandmate and Minseok agreed then said--”

“That sounds strangely unlike what happened, Lara,” Minseok laughs. “We just thought we’d let you eat with your friend.”

“The friend that Taozi saw a picture of and called cute,” Jongdae points out, eyes lighting up with mischief. Chanyeol feels his heart drop a little at Jongdae’s comment, he rolls his eyes at himself because does he really care if some person he doesn’t even like thinks Kyungsoo is cute? Kyungsoo can be with, like, and date whoever he wants. The last time he really confronted his feelings about him he was still a teenager and now he thought it wouldn’t matter. He talks to Kyungsoo frequently, as frequently as he does with his other close friends, and he never felt anything really residual. Jongdae sends him a confused look again and now Chanyeol’s just irritated. He’s stressed and a little too overly emotional lately. 

“Shut up Jongdae!” Tao squawks. “It was a baby picture, just for clarification everyone.”

“I embarrassed you, I’m sorry,” Jongdae apologizes but he’s smiling so everyone knows he’s mostly not. But his intense soft spot for Tao will have him making it up to him soon. 

“I was a cute baby,” Kyungsoo nods. “The eyes really suited me the most then.” 

“You’ve barely aged, Soo,” Sehun says. “Or-”

“Don’t, I know what you’re going to say and don’t you dare Sehun Oh!” Kyungsoo threatens.

“Grown.” Chanyeol thinks he hears like three people reply to that simultaneously. Kyungsoo grumbles, threatening to kill of them but he’s laughing too.

“Oh, since you’re all here you guys can ask Park that thing you wanted to,” Sehun announces. Chanyeol sees Tao and Jongdae exchange looks, Jongdae’s eyes flit to Chanyeol for a second but Jongdael shakes his head fervently; Chanyeol supposes he’s being discreet. His annoyance and discomfort grows.

“Yo, I know you all say I take up a lot of space but you guys are literally affecting the way this restaurant operates,” Chanyeol says, making it jokey to sound not quite as irritated as he feels. He thinks he gets away with it for everyone but Jongdae, Sehun, and Tao but he doesn’t care at least not now.

“Oh yea!” Lara gasps. “We’re going to a party actually! The one at Lu...something I forgot his name…”

“You’re only saying that because he’s my ex-boyfriend,” Minseok mumbles.

“Oh, am I?” Lara shrugs, flips her hair over her shoulder. “See you guys later!”

“Yea, text me if you’re gonna come over,” Minseok says as they pass by, ruffling Chanyeol’s hair. 

“Bye guys,” Tao says last. He smiles at them but looks at Chanyeol for a second too long. Chanyeol looks up at him too, he’s not smiling at all though which isn’t something he does often. 

When they finish with dinner, Jongdae asks if they want to go to the party. Chanyeol declines but the rest of them decide to go so he makes his way back to the apartment he shares with Jongdae. He sends a quick text off to Jongdae, back. txt when u get home. and goes to sleep.  
\--

He wakes up at 6 pm the next day and that’s only because his tiny angry friend (Jongdae, obviously) literally pulls him out of bed. Chanyeol’s eyes are adjusting to the light in the living room of their smell apartment and there’s another body there too. “Oh you’re here too,” he nods. Then he plops on the floor, limbs splaying like a starfish.

“Ugh,” Jongdae groans. “Sehun made ramen. That’s all we have in the apartment unless you want like month old instant mac.”

“Ramen is fine,” he replies, but it’s muffled because he’s pulled the hoodie to cover his eyes. 

When their coffee table is set and there’s a huge pot of ramen on it (which will probably be too little for the three of them) is when the Looks that only Sehun and Jongdae can give to one another begin. “What?” Chanyeol asks around a mouthful of food.

A few seconds of silence.

“We’re worried about you,” Jongdae confesses. “You were being weird last night and like it wasn’t just last night but I guess it’s getting more worrisome everyday and... I have a lot of questions.”

“Ask them,” Chanyeol allows. “You may or may not get an answer. No promises.”

“Have you been taking your medication?” Sehun asks before Jongdae can begin. 

Chanyeol thinks about lying but he knows they’ll see through it or he'll feel bad about lying to the few people he wants to be good for. "No,” he shakes his head.

“Why on earth would you do that?” Jongdae asks and Chanyeol can just tell he's trying not to yell at him which sucks. "I’m sorry. Ok let me try again, did you run out? Can you not afford more?"

"I just stopped," Chanyeol replies after a bit. Sehun doesn't look like he feels any one way but Chanyeol knows that's how he masks himself. Jongdae on the other hand looks upset. “Like a week ago. I got a call from my parents and I stopped.”

"We're always here to support you, Chanyeol," Jongdae begins. 

"We can't demand you do anything," Sehun interrupts when it seems like Jongdae's still struggling with what to say. "And we won't ever do that but please take care of yourself. Please and not for us for you. What made this so different from those other times?"

"I'm sorry," Chanyeol mumbles, avoiding Sehun’s question.

"Don't apologize to us, idiot," Jongdae laughs. "To yourself but not us. It's tough to see you struggle and not be able to help. You've just been kinda...off. We haven’t been through all that you have but we always try to understand." Sehun nods after Jongdae finishes and Chanyeol can’t help but smile at their earnestness and concern.

It’s so easy for him to get in this zone where he’s convinced himself he’s all alone with nowhere to go and no one to rely on.

The thing is, Chanyeol had been under the impression that he could hide. Ever since he was a kid he believed it. No matter how tall and broad he got, how wide his smile was, how big his ears were; he stood out but he could be forgotten. When he realized his physicality made that impossible he became a lot more fun and cheerful than he felt most of the time. If people must notice him, they’d only have a positive impression. It became him, it got him great friends, but he was tired and he kept cracking.

And maybe he did hide well because the first time Jongdae saw him less than composed he was shocked.

Kyungsoo had already gone to college, moving during the summer for a camp; Jongdae and Chanyeol were playing video games in his room when he had gotten a call from his father. Chanyeol excused himself from their video game and went into the bathroom--it was a mistake because he was so fucking furious he was vibrating with anger and sadness and cheap feelings, he cracked the glass mirror with his fist repeatedly, there was blood running down his fingers and onto the floor but he couldn't think or feel and by then Jongdae had heard and came running.

"I kinda thought this just wasn’t regular teen angst, you know?" Jongdae said after bandaging Chanyeol up and listening to him explain what happened for a bit. Chanyeol told him he'd been having the feelings, the rages, the sadness, the anxiety and didn't know what it meant but it probably wasn’t something he should ignore anymore. “I mean I’ve been way depressed too but I’ve been to a therapist and stuff. I was on zoloft for a bit, it was ok. I doubt your parents would go for that.” 

“They wouldn’t,” he shrugged. “Does it matter? I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“You didn’t scare me because I thought I was in danger. I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” he sighed and adjusted himself on the bed. “Maybe when we’re in school you can see if you can get help? It’s free which is like one of the few good things about an overpriced school education so kids can get the services they deserve. I digress, maybe you should look into that and you can see a psychiatrist too.”

At the time Chanyeol thought he was going to vomit from the overwhelming feeling of being truly cared about once his layers were pulled back. He feels the same way now. He tries to think of all the people that do care about him, two of them right in front of him, and it helps. 

“My dad’s sick,” Chanyeol explains. “We haven’t talked in a year. My mom called to yell at me for not contacting them and she told me he’s sick. He came back to that shitty apartment to tell her to fucking tell me. They want me to help them out but I barely have any fucking money myself. Then they just told me how worthless I was for like 15 minutes before I got the energy to hang up on them.”

“Fuck them,” Sehun spits. He looks angry but that’s usually their faces whenever they breach the topic of Chanyeol’s parents. “You don’t owe them shit. I’ll pray for them. Except I won’t.”

“Sehun cried praying for you last night and he was so drunk he didn’t realize he was talking out loud,” Jongdae laughs. Sehun’s eyes widen and he blushes but he doesn’t deny it. All their friends know Sehun is a cryer which he isn’t even particularly ashamed of.

“You are such a dick. I would have totally broken up with you already if I were your boyfriend,” Chanyeol laughs and for the first time in a bit, it’s genuine and heartfelt.

“His last boyfriend did leave him, remember?” Sehun reminds them.

“But that’s the reason we’re together so your logic is not so great,” Jongdae retorts. “Speaking of Tao, and we’re not done with the previous conversation unless you want to be, but do you hate him still?” 

“Uh…” Chanyeol frowns, picking at the frayed hem of his hoodie. “I don’t hate him…” 

“We’re not leaving you, jesus!” Jongdae smacks him on the head. “It’s possible for your friends to have a lot of friends and love all of them equally. Your unspoken trust issues are so strange it took me forever to figure out why you’d dislike him and even then.”

“It’s not just that, shut up,” Chanyeol pushes Jongdae. “He’s so intense and I don’t know. We just don’t get along. He doesn’t like me either, so.”

“He doesn’t like you because you don’t like him!” Sehun almost yells.

“This conversation feels very high school,” Chanyeol states. 

“It’s so stupid, Park. He’s a really good friend. You didn’t like me at first either and look where we are now, I can’t get rid of you.” Jongdae high fives Sehun for his shitty dig, but Jongdae rewards Sehun for anything because they’re sick like that. 

“Yea fucking right, kid. You wouldn’t leave me alone more like, “ Chanyeol grumbles. “It’s different with us, anyway. We’re best friends and that’s the way it’s supposed to be you don’t force friendships.”

“We’re not trying to force anything,” Jongdae sighs. “But you two probably have a lot more in common than you think and I know you do, you’re like different sides of a coin, I swear. Plus he’s really important to us just like you are and seeing you not give him a chance really upsets, uh, Sehun. Also, we kind of need you to join the band. Maybe. Well, we do.”

“Is that what all those looks at the restaurant were about?” Chanyeol asks. He’s not surprised or even irritated like he thinks he should be. He’d do anything to help out Jongdae and his band and he likes all the members, save for Tao. “I’ll think about it.”

“We would like you to join. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do,” Jongdae amends. “Like, we don’t want you to be fucking miserable. And if you don’t want to be around Tao well.”

“I’ll be nicer to him,” Chanyeol promises. “Are we done with the intervention now? Let’s clean up.” He springs to his feet and shuffles to gather the plates. Jongdae and Sehun bicker while they do the dishes and Chanyeol watches them from where he sits on the counter. He’s feeling too much anyway so he decides to fuck it and thanks them quietly. 

“For everything,” he elaborates. 

“What about for making me do the dishes with this idiot?” Sehun yells as Jongdae makes kissy noises at him and splashes him with suds and water.  
\--

Even though school hasn’t officially started yet a lot of the students were back. Chanyeol and his friends were either doing their own work or working at the school itself and they were free to use student services. Chanyeol kind of had to get his fill until graduation when he probably wouldn’t be able to see a therapist or psychiatrist as frequently as he needed to. So, he decides he should stop punishing himself by not taking care of himself because he can do that later.

Chanyeol greets Christine, the young secretary and takes his seat. She asks him a couple of questions about how his summer was and how his school work is going (Great! Everything’s going great. Oh, my thesis? I haven’t figured out a theme yet.) Christine’s seen him come here for the past years and his heart goes into overdrive a bit tying the information of his sickness and its longevity. He’s never seen her judge a single person that came in and out, she’s never bat an eyelash at the emergency phonecalls she’s had to make to the hospital. He’s only here today for a followup with his psychiatrist. 

“Oh,” Chanyeol hears Christine say. “Hi Tao!” Chanyeol’s head whips up from his phone and he stares. Tao hasn’t noticed that Chanyeol is there yet and he doesn’t know what to do so he continues to stare. After Tao’s signed in, he turns towards the seats and almost trips over his own feet from surprise.

“Hey,” Tao greets him. Chanyeol smiles a bit, remembering to at least be polite, and nods. Tao takes a seat right by him. After a couple of moments he speaks, “this isn’t awkward, is it?”

“Uh,” Chanyeol scratches the back of his head. “A bit.”

“Oh.” Tao’s foot is bouncing now so Chanyeol stares at his legs. His jeans are black and super tight like Chanyeol’s but without the holes he’s got in them from clumsiness and use. “Jongdae says you’ll think about joining the band?” 

“Yea,” he nods. “Just between you and me though, I’m going to join.”

“Why?” Tao’s gaze is a little strong, how it usually was. It makes Chanyeol uncomfortable but it also makes him feel important like he likes. Like Tao’s focus and efforts are all on him and he can’t say he’s ever been one to deny others singlemindedness. 

“Because you need a new member? We’ll see how it all works out but he needs help and-”

“But it’s forever, yea? Or as long as we’ll be together,” Tao interrupts. “So don’t do it if you feel like it’s an obligation.” Chanyeol wonders if Tao cares about how he feels about this at all. If that’s the reason why he’s saying this? But why should he. “It wouldn’t be fair to force you and none of us would want that. Especially not Jongdae.” 

“Yea, I guess,” he laughs. “Would you want me to join, though?” He regrets it the instant he says it but he keeps a half smile on his face. It sounds too pathetic and needy, too much like he’s clambering for approval and attention and for Tao to say, “I know you’ve been oddly passive about me for the whole time we’ve known each other but I forgive you for it.” When really Chanyeol should be apologizing to Tao for not thinking of him as enough because he’s an inconsistent self loathing jerk.

Tao looks at him again with his acute stare and he looks confused and a bit miffed. It’s like when Chanyeol hasn’t slept for days because of his stress-induced insomnia and if he’s asked for anything he gets rigid and angry. It’s different because this isn’t consuming Tao but he can feel a bit of resistance. “What?” He asks. His eyes widen a bit as he shakes his head. “No, I-”

“Hey, Chanyeol!” Dr. Wong greets him. “Hi Tao!” She smiles at them both and Chanyeol is both thankful and annoyed that she had to come at this moment.  
\--

Dr. Wong was sad when Chanyeol told her that he hadn’t been taking his medicine and he knew that his therapist Anna would feel the same way. She told him she’d adjust his antidepressants and mood stabilizers; he was on a bit of a higher dose now and she pointedly asked him to try to stay away from as much alcohol and cigarettes as he could. Her biggest obstacle when working with college students. 

Chanyeol has always been big on the self destruction tip. In the beginning he drank a lot and did a lot of drugs just to feel better and get by. When he figured he should give his road to recovery a better shot he kind of let it fall to the waistside because once he started taking heavy duty medication he’d get disgustingly ill from the alcohol. His doctors warned him but he’s more of a trial and error kind of guy. He could have drinks with his friends, maybe even get a little tipsy but he could not binge drink. He got drunker faster and was sick for hours until he vomited and slept the pain away. 

Tonight, Chanyeol is very drunk. He’s sitting on Sehun’s countertop which is a much nicer countertop than his and Jongdae’s. He’s chillin’. He’s so fucked for tomorrow. But all his friends are around him, he feels a little sad but stable, and he is drunk. It feels good to just ignore the things that have been running through his mind. 

“Chanyeollie!” Sehun whines, practically trying to crawl onto him on the countertop. Jongdae pulls him back by the back of his shirt. “Jongdae. I’m trying to hug Yeol.”

“He will survive if you don’t crawl all over him for one second, you tactile freak,” he laughs. Sehun pouts but it looks as if Jongdae is his next target, which Jongdae is more than ok with. Sehun wraps his arms Jongdae’s waist and they stay just like that to talk to him. 

“I’m gonna join the band,” Chanyeol announces. Jongdae gasps then smiles really widely. 

“Are you sure?” Jongdae looks worried Chanyeol’s going to say no but he nods and that’s all it takes for him to smile again. “That’s great, you’ll be great with us and...I’m really excited. Thank you.”

“Anything. You know that,” Chanyeol mumbles, flushing from embarrassment and alcohol. Sehun hums too. By the time Chanyeol gets to his next beer and Jongdae is telling him when they have to meet next and when he has to tell the rest of the band, Sehun is kissing his way down Jongdae’s neck. “Now, Sehun?” 

“I’m sorry,” he says, turning beet red but he doesn’t stop. This happens every time they drink. It’s not even the alcohol making Sehun feel horny, he just gets this need to cling to everyone and when it’s Jongdae it’s that and wanting to fuck him. Although when Chanyeol had voiced this theory out loud Sehun promptly corrected him that it wasn’t about the sexualness of his boyfriend (“But of course it’s there, have you seen him?”) it was the deep love he felt. He blushed after that and threatened to not talk to Chanyeol for three days if he ever told anyone he said that. 

Chanyeol winces when he hears Jongdae’s breath hitch and sees him turn his head to give Sehun a quick kiss on the lips. Chanyeol recognizes the jealousy when he feels it. He wasn’t a third wheel with any of his friends and their relationships, it was just hard for him to see it and not want it. He had never been in a real relationship, what was restricted to hookups barely went anywhere and he was mostly alone. The only girl he ever brought home, his real home, his high school home ended terribly and come to think of it so did the boy he brought home too.

Permanence was really associated with his need for fight or flight. 

“Can you keep your hands off each other for two seconds?” Chanyeol hears Tao’s voice from the doorway leading to the kitchen. “God it’s kind of weird seeing my best friend try to eat my ex-slash-best friend’s face, you know?” Tao laughs, ruffling Sehun’s hair as he passes by him to get to the fridge. 

"Ugh," Sehun moans. "Hey." 

"Yo," he says. He's pulled a beer out of the fridge, Chanyeol notices the way his forearms his forearms shift witht he pressure of untwisting the cap and his stomach churns. He's definitely going to be sick tomorrow. "Hey, Chanyeol."

"Hi," Chanyeol replies, making to sure to smile. 

"Jongdae, is Chanyeol smiling at Tao?" Sehun asks incredulously. "Is the apocalpsye coming or am I just truly that drunk?"

"Sehun don't be a freak, oh my god!" Chanyeol practically shrieks. Everyone's laughing but him because this situation is mortifying. They should ignore his prime moments of assholeness not point out when he’s decided to change.

“At least he’s being nice and not pining over Soo,” Jongdae points out. He’s getting handsier with Sehun which means the alcohol has really begun to course through his veins, it also means the two of them become clingy mouthy terrors. Chanyeol looks at Tao after Jongdae’s comment and if he’s really surprised he doesn’t show it besides his eyebrows moving a bit.

“I don’t pine,” Chanyeol reminds him for the millionth time. “And it would be mutual pineage, if anything but it’s nothing because we got over it when we were teenagers.” Jongdae isn’t really convinced that Chanyeol still likes Kyungsoo, he hopes. It’s too silly for him to even think about. Once upon a time they liked each other, Chanyeol went a little mental and Soo moved away, then they didn’t like each other.

“I remember when you pined over Sehun, Jongdae,” Tao laughs into his beer. “That was the worst to hear at a party.”

“What’d he say about me?” Sehun giggles. 

“Shit about how you have the cutest tiniest lisp and how stupid you look when you make those faces,” Chanyeol answers. 

“Yea,” Sehun nods. “Sounds like him.”

“Shut up!” Jongdae whines. “We’re leaving!” Jongdae huffs and tugs Sehun out of the kitchen. Chanyeol guesses he’s going to see them making out by Sehun’s bathroom which is two feet away from Sehun’s bedroom because they can’t be fucked to make it that far. It’s happened way too many times before drunk or sober.

“Sorry,” Chanyeol breaks the silence first. “They’re so weird, you know? It’s awkward...again.” Tao hops up onto the countertop besides him and his shoulders are shaking with laughter. 

“It’s not a big deal,” he shrugs. “I’m not that uncomfortable.”

“I have a feeling you’re comfortable in most places.”

“Just because I’m shameless doesn’t mean I’m comfortable, Chanyeol,” he dismisses the statement. “You on the other hand…I knew you didn’t like me because you never smiled when you saw me and you’re almost always smiling.”

“Ok, I realize that I have not made a formal apology so I’m saying I’m really, really sorry for making you feel that I disliked you and then you disliked me because of that,” Chanyeol apologizes. “I did dislike you but I was being an idiot and a dick. As I become more and more well-adjusted I am able to admit my many many faults.”

“You don’t have to like everyone,” Tao shrugs but he’s smiling a bit. “Does this mean we’re friends?”

“Yea, should we make friendship bracelets?” Chanyeol jokes. “I’m drunk so I can tell you that everyone really cares about you and I think I was jealous.”

“Oh.” Tao’s breath hitches. “You are aware that you can care about more than two people at once, right?” Chanyeol blinks at him. “Besides, if it were a competition I’d win.”

“I can definitely see why Sehun told me that we’re similar but you’re not as cute as me.” 

“Bullshit!” Tao squawks. “Do you want another beer?” Chanyeol looks down and realizes he’s been nursing an empty beer since Sehun and Jongdae left the kitchen.

“Yea,” he nods. “But I shouldn’t. Fuck. I’m gonna be so sick tomorrow.”

“Meds?” Tao looks at him a bit expectantly.

“I’m on these really heavy anti-depressants and at a decent dose,” Chanyeol scoffs. “It gets me drunk really quickly and I get so fucking sick. Like a three day hangover packed into one it’s pathetic.”

“Ouch,” Tao hisses. “Yea, you should stop. They would probably board up all the liquor and stop drinking if they knew.”

“I know and they have. It’s annoying. Can’t a grown man just get really drunk and make bad decisions and regret it in the morning?”

“Sure,” Tao nods. “But they’d be shitty friends to let it happen, right?”

“You don’t look nearly half as smart as you sound,” Chanyeol replies sardonically. “So I’m guessing you can drink and not get really sick?”

“I can but actually I’m trying to cut back on the whole partying thing,” Tao says. “As of right now it’s getting in the way of a lot.”

“That was a goal of mine too,” Chanyeol laughs, mostly to himself. “God, I should go home but I literally can’t move.”

“Are you okay?” Tao asks abruptly. “Not just to move but...I haven’t seen you super drunk in like ever...Sorry, that must be weird.” Tao winces and Chanyeol can’t help but find his expression cute. Chanyeol’s drunk enough to admit to himself that he finds Tao attractive. He’s never had a type really, he just likes people but Tao would never be the first person he’d go for. He looks intimidating and kind of bitchy, like someone Chanyeol would never want to deal with. That’s probably another reason why he had a horrible time liking him. But, as with most things, Chanyeol was wrong.

“It’s not. After all, we did have an awkward encounter in Mental Health Services that lead to a quick turnaround in our relationship due to the fact that I will be in your band.”

“I’m not just being nice to you because you’re going to be in my band. I do like you,” Tao corrects him. “Also, do you know how many people on campus use that? I may be crazier than most people, and I don’t know about you, but like 90% of college students are fucked up.”

“That’s an official statistic?” Chanyeol asks, voice deadpan. Tao picks up on the joke though and laughs, scrunches his nose up in distaste at being mocked but like he can’t help but enjoy the joke. He looks good.  
\--

The first practice with Automatic Stop goes incredibly well. Jongdae is a bit mad at him because he had to postpone the practice because Chanyeol got sicker than he remembered he could get because he drank way too much. Well, Jongdae isn’t mad because he had to postpone he’s mad because Chanyeol drank knowing that it would hinder his ability to do anything. Jongdae almost kicked his giant-ass best friend while he was lying on their floor trying to attach himself to the cool surface (“And I hope a giant cockroach comes out and crawls all over. Here, drink this.”)

But Jongdae’s mood improves as Chanyeol fits in seamlessly with the band. The sound is everything he loves and perhaps could improve on too and they just work well together. It’s something that Chanyeol missed, collaborating on projects and other things as his thesis work came closer but creating music with other like-minded people improved his mood. 

“The stuff we have is really good,” Jongdae says at dinner with the band. Minseok is on drums, Tao on bass, Chanyeol on lead guitar, and Yixing on guitar and backing vocals, with Jongdae’s voice. “Like, I’m finally getting excited again after a while. People will love it. All that matters is that we love it but everyone else will too.”

“Chanyeol and I are gonna work on some new stuff together, we’ll let you guys know when that’s coming along,” Yixing adds. “I’m so glad you’re here, bro.”

“Bro, me too,” Chanyeol laughs. “So this Joon...person…”

“Ah, Joonmyun!” Tao speaks for the first time since the dinner. Ever since Chanyeol started to actually pay attention to him he realizes he’s not annoying as he once thought. He’s often quiet yet still noticeable and commanding of attention but he almost didn’t expect that. He also didn’t expect the mega crush Tao has on their manager-slash-friend that Chanyeol doesn’t know for once who can manage them on the side of his assistant curating job.

“Yea, Joonmyun!” Minseok imitates him. “Please, for our sake remember Joonmyun Kim’s name.”

“Shut up!” Tao punches Minseok’s shoulder. 

“Joonmyun’s good. Tao’s obsessed with him but he’s a really cool guy and he’s doing this favor for us even though he graduated because he has an intense soft spot for Taozi,” Jongdae explains, munching on a fry and not bothering to close his mouth. Yixing reaches over and closes it for him. 

“He has a soft spot for all of you. I am his favorite, though,” Tao giggles.

“Oh, are you two…?” Chanyeol trails off but the dating is implied. He feels a pang of panic and that’s probably jealousy; he’s not jealous that someone is dating Tao but he is once again jealous that he’s alone.

Tao looks upset. “No.” He’s frowning and Chanyeol wonders if he somehow fucked up.

“He has a girlfriend,” Yixing explains. “It sucks but…” Chanyeol looks at Tao and takes in what seems to be a dark cloud hanging over his head. He feels bad for Tao but he’s glad that he has friends to help him and Chanyeol is glad that they’re all friends to begin with, that the band is tight enough to talk about any of it. 

“She’s really pretty, so I’m not really upset,” Tao says. “They met through Lara and Lara has impeccable taste in people. I’m being dumb, it’s not that serious, let’s not talk about it, OK?”

“Ok, Taozi,” Jongdae agrees but he strokes the back of Tao’s neck to comfort him anyway. It’s totally different than when he does it with Sehun, Chanyeol’s amazed at how even body movements can be compartmentalized but it means as much just the same.

After dinner they all split to go home, Jongdae and Chanyeol walking at a leisurely pace. “So,” Jongdae starts. “Tao. Zitao. Zitao Huang. You’re good, huh?”

“We are in fact A-OK,” Chanyeol makes the OK hand sign. 

“Hm,” Jongdae hums, sounding dubious. “Hm.”

“Hm?”

“Hm.”

“I saw him at psych services,” Chanyeol murmurs. 

“Ah,” Jongdae nods. “Good. I’m glad you are both getting the help you need.”

“It was weird.”

“Obviously! Up until a week ago you barely acknowledged him because of your strange inferiority complex and unfortunate low self-esteem and then you see him there? That screams awkward and weird.” Jongdae purposefully runs into him so that his words seem less harsh, in case Chanyeol were to be affected by them. “I’m kinda glad though? I feel like he’s a perfect addition for your life. And I think that he’d be helpful for some of the things you feel too.”

“Can I ask you something?” Jongdae grunts yes. “Why’d you break up? I know you guys did but we never really talked about why. You just said it happened.” Jongdae lets out a puff of air.

“Tao has this thing where he puts his all into like, everything. It’s that kind of passion and intensity that really turns people off and makes him misunderstood? Like, you didn’t like him because of that, right? Well he puts that into everything he has to do which can be good and bad. So he’ll take that intensity and invest it into relationships or people who don’t ever deserve him,” Jongdae frowns. “I was worried he’d put too much time into us and I’d let him down and I couldn’t do that. I know it wouldn’t have worked out well and he needs to be with someone who worships him like he should be.”

“Ah.”

“Sehun and I were really bothered that you didn’t like him. It’s stupid but since we’re so close to him we have to protect him in a way but then that doesn’t sound fair to you, does it? Also you are both grown men.” Jongdae stops on the sidewalk and thankfully there aren’t a lot of people around. He looks up at Chanyeol. “Don’t think it’s because you aren’t just as important or don’t need to be protected. It’s just we all see you and think that if you don’t ever ask for help or look like you want it, you won’t ever need it. It’s not on instinct.” He huffs then begins walking again.

“How’d he take you and Sehun dating?”

“He was fine with it,” Jongdae shrugs. “It wasn’t like it was right after anyway. I think that would have been bad. He was happy for us because we’re happy.”

“A little too happy,” Chanyeol grumbles. “If you could not be stuck to each other for one fucking second…”

“Chanyeol, when you eventually get your own significant other who can boss you around and look cute doing so you’ll understand,” Jongdae says, sighing after and Chanyeol knows that sigh it’s his ‘I’m so in love with Sehun’ sigh and it’s terrible.

“Yo.”

“What?”

“You’re not so bad, Kim.”

\--

Chanyeol has a sweaty Tao in his apartment. He quite literally ran into him outside of Starbucks as Tao was walking back from his run. Chanyeol looked down guiltily at his frap which had about a jillion calories and took in Tao in his shorts and barely there muscle tee. He looked so sunkissed, his arms and tattoos on display and Chanyeol gulped at the sight. They got to talking about the band and Chanyeol wanted Tao to hear something he was thinking of.

So: a sweaty (but hot. Hot in the attractive sense but also temperature wise) Tao. On his gross couch that has probably seen way too much of Sehun and Jongdae kinky action. 

“Ok,” Chanyeol says, getting out his guitar. He almost drops it when he remembers how to be a hospitable host. “Do you want water? Do you want to take a shower? I’m sure there are Sehun’s clothes here since he practically never goes home and my clothes might fit you.”

“It’s fine,” he smiles. “Really!” he says when Chanyeol doesn’t move.

“So it’s just a cover but I really liked this band when I was younger.” Chanyeol adjusts his guitar and pulls up his computer. “Wait do you want to hear the original first?” 

“No,” Tao replies. He slides off the couch to sit across from Chanyeol. 

“I want Jongdae’s voice to be here and I did some switching and arranging but I will sing it. Please don’t laugh.” “Square One” is sung by a woman and Chanyeol’s deep voice isn’t even close to her register, but he switched things around for Jongdae’s voice specifically and he loves the urgency in it.

“Racing down the block, I know what you want, guess it’s just my luck, now I’m having fun,” Chanyeol sings, his eyes finding Tao for what is the most ill-planned timing. “You want me to come, you want me to come.” He blushes and rips his eyes away. “Night’s unraveling you’re not having it everything’s been done.”

By the time he’s done he’s out of breath but happy at the pleased look on Tao’s face. “I loved it! My ex used to really like them, too. Not Jongdae,” he clarifies. “It’s different but I love it. You sounded great, why would I make fun of you?”

“My voice sounds weird to me,” he shrugs. 

“It’s good, everyone should hear you more.”

“Everyone hears me enough. This is hilarious coming from you honestly.” Chanyeol moves to press his back on the couch now a couple of inches away from Tao’s thigh. “I just thought it’d be fun to do, I hope everyone likes it.”

“You’re gonna have to show everyone what you just did. Everyone’s gonna want you front and center for it. Thanks for sharing.”

\--

Their first gig comes way too quickly. They’ve been toying with new and old songs put together really quickly, but it’s ok for a test run and the covers they’re going to play. The music club they’re at reminds Chanyeol of a more adult, less gross version of ones he used to go to with his friends in high school. Small rooms with garbage written all over the walls where people smoked and shitty bands played. But they all thought they were cool for being in the scene.

Chanyeol glances up as he’s setting up and he sees the way the light hits Tao. It’s nauseatingly cliche--and Chanyeol exists to subvert cliches (he hopes)--but it hits him fucking hard. Tao’s got on eyeliner and a bit of shadow, he thinks and his sister would tell him that Tao’s face was made for makeup and he knows exactly what to do with it, he thinks but he also he thinks he’s projecting on how he’s shaping up to find Tao perfect.

Tao must notice someone staring and when he looks down at Chanyeol, he smiles at him. Chanyeol smiles back, his brightest that he has because that’s how he feels. He makes to reach over to fiddle with one of the speakers, but grabs Tao’s ankle and jostles it a bit instead. “Are you excited?” Tao asks him. He extends a hand and Chanyeol takes it to get up. They’re alone on the stage so Chanyeol pushes it a bit and his fingers linger a little longer.

“Yea, a little. I’m more nervous,” he confesses. “It should be fun.” 

“You’ll be fine,” Tao reassures him. “It’s not because I want you to show up you’ll do great. I keep telling you, you’re meant to have people look at you.” Like you?

The show goes incredibly well. Definitely better than Chanyeol could have ever expected. He was basically cajoled into doing the JJAMZ cover as lead singer and he was embarrassed but his friends were up front yelling in support, a semi-drunk Sehun screaming, “PARK, I LOVE YOU” helped him want to get more support. He, Tao, and Yixing had a 5 minute impromptu jam session that they did not even plan but it worked out and Minseok stunned everyone, naturally, with his level of skill. Chanyeol can’t even think of the way Jongdae sung without seeing the look on Sehun’s face--he’s probably going to get a face full of Sehun’s tears and very lucky tonight but. Chanyeol is happy.

Sehun is, predictably, the first person that comes up to the them in the bar. “Baby,” Sehun cooes at Jongdae. Lara comes behind him and snorts, mouthing baby at Minseok. “If any of you make fun of us I won’t ever talk to you again. Didn’t he do well?” The whole group of them cheer obnoxiously loudly and Jongdae groans.

“You sound like a mother not a boyfriend,” Jongdae whines.

“All of you did so well!” Sehun cheers and they erupt again. Chanyeol looks around for Tao before he can witness Sehun and Jongdae’s short kisses turn into totally inappropriate public behavior. 

“Yo, Oh or Kim. Oh-Kim, where’s your best friend?” Chanyeol rolls his eyes when they actually pull apart.

“Is this a test question, Park?” Sehun squints. “Like we have to say he’s right here because it has to be you and you’re acting weird again? Because I been drinkin’.”

“No and don’t quote Beyoncé.”

“He’s outside?” Jongdae answers, looking confused as to why Chanyeol asked. “Probably smoking or being picked up. Or both.” Before Jongdae can even finish Chanyeol gets out of his seat, he hopes it wasn’t as quick and desperate looking as he felt.

When he gets outside he sees Tao leaning against the wall. He’s on his phone, smoking and he looks like a model; he looks so fucking typical, he’s wearing skinny black ripped jeans and a barely there tank (he and Jongdae are really big fans of that) and for the first time in a while Chanyeol wants. 

“Hey,” Chanyeol greets him. There are a lot of people so he could be anyone but Tao’s eyes immediately go to him and he smiles, secretly and softly which Chanyeol has selfishly decided is all for him. He’s just fucked that way. Tao silently offers him his cigarette and Chanyeol takes it.

“Wait!” Tao puts one hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder, rubbing imaginary lint off. Chanyeol wonders if he’s using it as an excuse just to touch him. “You can smoke, right? Like, I was on these meds where they clashed or whatever.”

“Yea, Tao I can smoke,” he laughs. 

Tao looks sheepish. “Do I sound like one of the mother hens?” It takes Chanyeol a couple of seconds to actually listen to the words he’s saying because Tao’s moved his hand and he wishes he didn’t.

“Don’t worry about it,” he shrugs. “They’ve got their charms.”

“Then do I, Park?” he asks, teasing, a bit coy. Chanyeol replies by blowing out the smoke and shrugging. He doesn’t know what to do with Tao’s smirk so he doesn’t try.

“Are you drunk?”

“Some.” He brings his thumb and pointer finger together. “Would you buy me food? My favorite food truck is closed right now but I’d be okay with falafel.”

“Favorite food truck?”

“The Cinnamon Snail,” he explains. “It’s vegan.”

“Oh my god that sounds terrible, Tao.” His sister is also a vegan, Tao and his sister have a lot in common which is disconcerting. He can’t ever have them meet.

“No, shut up! It’s delicious. It’s in Chelsea and it’s super good I promise. I’ll take you there one day.”

“Your treat?” Chanyeol tries.

“It’s a date.”  
\--

Chanyeol’s been doing good. He’s been stable, taking his medication, and trying to be a good friend because that’s all he has. Sure he’s ignoring his schoolwork a bit but what soon to be senior isn’t pretending their thesis work doesn’t exist. He hasn’t done his artwork in a week but he is inspired. He’s fine--he’s supposed to be.

He can’t remember a time when he was filled with pure joy, the type that kids have because they don’t know any better and their lives are genuinely that good. Chanyeol can’t remember his childhood but he knows if he did it would be bad. He’s known that emotionally he’s always been different from others and some of the ways he handled himself to cope were unconventional. Everything is a struggle in his world but he works on it.

But Chanyeol knows that nothing--fucking nothing triggers him into something bad like his parents. It’s difficult for him to even express to his therapist that he’s had for years, his best friends, what kind of relationship he’s had with them and truthfully it doesn’t make any sense. His dad has always been in and out of his life and his mother’s life and his mom has always lived with it.

He was an unwanted child and they let him know it. His dad had another family in another place they knew but he was still allowed to get the best of both worlds. The abuse that they shared somehow transferred onto their children. His sisters got out, but Chanyeol had to stay and he could never compartmentalize like most people. They expected everything out of Chanyeol and when he swore he would never be with them again he felt obliged to come back because they needed his money. They need him but he doesn’t need them. 

Yet he still allows them to make him feel worthless. He calls Yura and she tries to calm him down after their second call. She says she’s sent some money and he shouldn’t have to worry at all, she’s fucking furious but Chanyeol can’t worry her; he lies and says he’s okay. 

He gets out his razors and forgets everything. This is exactly how he forgets that Tao is supposed to be with him. He’s barely thinking when he poorly bandages up his thighs and answers. 

“Hey!” Tao greets, grinning. His face changes slowly when he takes in how Chanyeol looks. “Are you okay?”

“Yea,” he lies. “Sorry, I’m so fucking tired. Um we can still go. Let me change…”

“Chanyeol…” Tao looks at the floor and Chanyeol’s eyes follow. He threw on sweatpants and they were red and loose, now a bit wet and there’s some blood on the floor. 

“That’s embarrassing. Something happened. I should clean up. You know I’m large and clumsy,” he lies again. 

“Let’s stay in,” Tao offers. He comes into the apartment and shuts the door. “Food will always be there.” Chanyeol sighs. “Do you want me to help you clean up?”

“Don’t worry,” Chanyeol murmurs. Tao just looks at him.

“Where’s your room?” Chanyeol points in the direction of the room and Tao drags him to it. He strips him out of his sweatpants to reveal the gross mess on his thighs. This is not the way Chanyeol expected Tao to get him out of his pants. Chanyeol doesn’t want this but he’s so out of it he has no other choice. 

“Soap and water? Neosporin or bactine?” Tao gets everything out for him, rubs him down with it and it fucking hurts, it stings so bad. He’s breathing heavily because it’s fucking painful, this is what he waited for and wanted but there’s a boy he has a massive crush on witnessing how pathetic it is. Tao leaves his room for a bit to clean the blood off the floors but he comes back with a towel to stop the bleeding. The pain clashes with Tao running his hands up and down his thighs and it would be strange but somehow hilarious if he popped a fucking boner because of this situation. Not Tao cleaning up his pathetic mistakes but Tao stroking his legs to make him feel better, to make him feel good because he cares about him. Chanyeol shifts and Tao stops moving his hands but doesn’t move them. They stare at each other but Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. “Ah!” Tao jumps up after a bit. He takes off his shoes and his jeans then climbs into Chanyeol’s bed. 

“What are...we doing?” Chanyeol asks, very perplexed.

“Let’s sleep,” Tao responds softly. “You’re tired, right? Lay down on your back and I’ll put pressure on them. You should stop bleeding in a bit but you might get some stuff on your sheets.” Chanyeol sighs when he lays next to him. “I know you already know this, sorry.”

“Thank you,” Chanyeol utters. “I’m really fucking sorry.”

“Chanyeol, it’s fine,” he sighs. “Don’t apologize.”

“It’s pathetic, fuck,” Chanyeol laughs but it’s sardonic and bitter. “It’s also really embarrassing.”

“You’ve seen me with nothing on my lower half and you haven’t even noticed how it looks. It’s not important unless someone’s concerned for you. Other than that, it’s not a big deal.”

“We’re both large grown men so does that mean it’d be awkward to cuddle?” Chanyeol questions. “You’d be the little spoon.”

“In your dreams,” Tao snorts.

“Maybe…" He trails off, staring off into the space by his window behind Tao's head. Soon he shifts his focus to Tao, who's looking right back at him. Chanyeol makes stupid judgement calls all the time to get what he wants but this is different, he thinks about what Tao would want first. He can chalk up him moving his hand to caress Tao's face as emotional fatigue he's sure. Tao's face inches closer to his and before he has a moment to deliberate or panic, Tao gives him a chaste kiss. Tao pulls back a little to look at him, silently asking it it was a go. The next ones Chanyeol's ready for. They're chaste and quick, they only hold them for a bit but they're so comforting, sweet, and sexy in a way that makes his head swim so yea very Tao.

"Sleep?" Tao asks after he pulls away for the last time. Chanyeol doesn't answer but lays his head to rest against Tao's chest.  
\--

Nothing really changes after that night, but what it does change Chanyeol is grateful for. They don't talk about it because there's nothing to talk about really except for how Chanyeol's a little confused but it's a good kind of confusion. He takes the lows with the highs and Tao's the one who's been able to take the edge off the crash. 

Tao comes over a lot, sometimes it's to hang out with Chanyeol, sometimes it's with their friends. Tao touches him more now whether they're alone or with others except when they're alone he'll follow up the touches with a kiss. Tao will scratch at the hair on Chanyeol’s neck when they’re swapping stories and he’ll press a light kiss there if Chanyeol’s part of the story is particularly painful. Chanyeol’s beginning to think there’s no words he can put to his feelings for Tao, and he doesn’t understand how he could ever return his favors or give Tao what he deserves, be what he deserves.

They’re in his bed watching a movie Tao needed to see for one of his film classes. They’re pressed together, his back to Chanyeol’s front and Chanyeol can’t really think about the movie because he’s got a huge boy in his lap and he’s thinking about said boy. Jongdae’s words about Tao run in a loop and he can’t get them to shut up. Tao’s absentmindedly running his hand up and down the arm Chanyeol has on his stomach. The intimacy is sending him into a bit of a frenzy. Chanyeol is only pulled out of his daze when Tao pauses the movie.

“Uh...whatsup?” 

“You’re super stiff,” Tao protests. He moves to find a more comfy position but settles into his original spot.

“I’m sorry your human couch isn’t nice enough for you. Perhaps an actual couch will suit you better?” 

“It wasn’t like this 30 minutes ago!” Tao complains. “You’re okay, right?”

“I’m fine just stressed,” he says. It’s not a total lie. He kisses Tao’s cheek then slowly moves down to his neck and he's not satisfied until he hears Tao sigh. He turns his head to kiss Chanyeol on the lips, the quick chaste ones that leave Chanyeol even more confused about what they're doing.

“Relax,” Tao whispers. Easier said then done.

Halfway through the movie he hears Jongdae come in and another pair of feet, he's assuming they're Sehun's, move around and Chanyeol hears Jongdae’s door shut. About ten minutes later when Faye Wong is crying on screen, Chanyeol hears a scream. Both he and Tao jump but a second later he hears Sehun yelling, “You idiot!” he sounds like he’s crying. 

Tao looks at him with a confused look on his face and Chanyeol’s sure his own face mirrors the expression. 

“Stop crying!” Jongdae hisses. “Chanyeol’s probably asleep and I’m embarrassed.”

“I can’t!” Sehun whines. “I love you so much, fuck.” They hear a thwump! and Jongdae groans.

“I love you too!” he yells. “Too much. Stop crying.”

Chanyeol sighs; having enough, he slams his hands on the wall. “Can you have your crying sessions somewhere else?” 

“Let’s have really loud sex now,” Sehun offers. 

“Don’t you dare!” Chanyeol yells back and Tao barks out a laugh. 

“Who’s in your room?” Jongdae asks, Chanyeol can hear his eyes narrowing. There’s a door opening, two pairs of feet moving and Tao and his computer almost fall off the bed from how fast he and Chanyeol try to disengage. By the time they come in the room, he and Tao are sitting at a comfortable just friends distance. 

“Oh, hey!” Sehun says to Tao. “What are you doing here?” He sits on the floor facing them, Jongdae following him as if they can’t even stand being physically apart.

“Chanyeol and I were watching a movie,” Tao replies. “Then we heard you. What happened?”

“Hm?” Sehun hums, cheeks turning red immediately. “Uh…”

“We’re getting married,” Jongdae responds.

“Stop!” Sehun hits him. “He asked me to move in because he knows my lease is up soon.”

“Really? Finally,” Chanyeol mumbles. “I don’t want you here but…”

“Didn’t you suggest it?” Tao turns to him. “I think you did. I was there.”

“I don’t recall.” Chanyeol replies, deadpan. “No.” Sehun smiles at him and it makes him feel good because Sehun looks so happy. 

“I thought you two were going to kill each other with the way you were yelling,” Tao derides.

“I thought he was gonna say no!” Jongdae’s eyes widen and he puts a hand to his heart. “His eyes got so big and his face got all blotchy and he made one of those dumb faces then started crying and yelling.”

“Who cries more, Tao or Sehun?” Chanyeol asks Jongdae. Naturally Tao and Sehun point their fingers at each other. “I think it’s Tao.”

“It is, “ Jongdae agrees. “But this one is pretty bad too.”

“I have many feelings and I will not be ashamed of how they come out of my eyes sometimes,” Sehun shrugs. 

“Don’t be,” Jongdae smiles at him. He’s looking at Sehun like he’s the world and Chanyeol gets it. He’s willing to shift around to officially move in with someone he loves and start his life. Chanyeol thinks he’ll have to find another place to stay or they will and he’s not bitter about it, they deserve it. The apartment isn’t that great but it’s their home because it’s all they can afford. He just wants them to be able to have their own space, too.

“But now you have nowhere to go when Jongdae makes you angry,” Chanyeol reminds him.

“That’s everyday. I’ll survive,” Sehun dismisses him. Jongdae punches him on the arm.

\--

Tao is drunk. He’s not as drunk as Chanyeol has seen before but he’s pretty drunk. When he saw Chanyeol walk into their friend’s apartment for a party he immediately latched onto him, five seconds later he was being pushed into a bedroom.

“What are you doing?” Chanyeol falls onto the bed, Tao falls right next to him. 

“I want to lay down for a couple of minutes,” he states. “I can’t feel my face. uhghhhhhhhh...ugh.”

“Tao.” Chanyeol prods him when he gets no response. “Tao...Taozi.” Tao grunts. “You’re really drunk, huh? Are you okay?” Tao’s eyes are shut but he opens them when Chanyeol asks him if he’s okay.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he’s looking into Chanyeol’s eyes and he wants to look away but he can’t. “Hm? Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“You drank a lot,” Chanyeol says, stumbling over his words. “You usually don’t unless you’re upset or something…” Chanyeol wonders when they got to know each other so well. He raises up to look down at Tao, moves his arm by Tao’s head. “Is it about Joonmyun? I think I saw him before you pulled me away.”

“Not everything is about my crush on Joonma,” Tao huffs. “Can’t we just do something that we want to do without it being a side effect of being crazy?”

“Of course.”

“Ok.” 

“Ok?” Chanyeol shifts but Tao grips his arm so he doesn’t move. 

“I just don’t feel well,” he confesses. “I’ve been exhausted and lethargic for a week, not showering you know telltale signs.”

“You’re stressed,” Chanyeol whispers, stroking his hair. Tao nods and he’s closed his eyes; Chanyeol can see the tears coming out through his eyelashes. “You’re also really drunk.”

“Yea,” Tao agrees. “I shouldn’t have done this, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Chanyeol clucks. 

“I was almost criticizing you for drinking last time,” Tao whines. 

“Yea but that’s because I get incredibly sick when I do it too much,” Chanyeol laughs. “Maybe drinking because you can’t stand thinking about things isn’t the best but you have me. You can come to me any time, you know that right?”

“Am I crying?” Tao yells. “Oh my god!” he feels his face and the both of them laugh because he looks and sounds like a total idiot. He abruptly sits up forcing Chanyeol to do the same and hugs him tightly. Chanyeol returns it just as much. Tao pulls back and kisses him; it’s slow at first, they’re not going anywhere so they take their time pushing and pulling at each other’s mouths languidly. Tao pushes harder and slips his tongue in Chanyeol’s mouth, running it over the roof of his mouth. Tao pushes closer and picks up the pace, breathing in deeply as they become more forceful. 

“Wait.” Chanyeol pulls away, breathless. 

“What?” Tao asks, panting too.

Usually, Tao is the one that stops them from going too far. It’s weird because he’ll slide his fingers under Chanyeol’s shirts then he’ll seem to remember himself and stop. After the first three times of them doing whatever this was, Chanyeol refused to try. If he didn’t want to go further what could he do? It was a blow to his ego but making someone he liked feel safe was more important. Whenever Tao wanted to stop because it got too heavy he’d pull away to bury his head in Chanyeol’s shoulder or something; he looked flushed every time. 

“You’re drunk, dude,” Chanyeol murmurs against his cheek. That seems to do the trick and Tao sits back, edging off the place he’d kind of found in Chanyeol’s lap. He smiles at him sheepishly and takes Chanyeol’s snapback off to wear it himself.

“Let’s go.” 

“I’ll be right out, gimme a min.” After Tao nods and leaves Chanyeol flops down on the bed and lets out a loud sigh. “I’m fucked.”

“You’re goddamn right.” Chanyeol hears Sehun but he can’t see him and when he’s about to sit up, Sehun hits him in the face with a pillow. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Uh…” Chanyeol doesn’t know what to say. Sehun looks angry, furious even, but also very upset and Chanyeol isn’t sure how to deal with that. 

“What the fuck did I just see?” Sehun demands. 

“Well-”

“You’re kissing him but I know you’re not fucking dating!” 

“Sehun, stop yelling please,” Chanyeol pleads. He feels really messy right now and he’s really sober but he hates having no idea where situations are going and feeling like he’s let people down. He’s not sure why he isn’t allowed to make his own decisions when it comes to his life.

“You don’t get it, right?” Sehun sighs. “You do that shit with him and he gets attached and it becomes a long string of fucked up people who keep hurting him for no reason. It’s like he constantly punishes himself when he’s with people but you should know better. If you’re not gonna like him as much as he likes you end it. Now.”

“Sehun…” Chanyeol blinks. He hasn’t even thought about what they were really doing. He thought that Tao wouldn’t want a relationship with him anyway, he’s too busy pining over a guy he can never have and Chanyeol was too damaged. Chanyeol knows how much he likes him, probably likes him even more than Tao may or may not like him. But Chanyeol knows that he would give Tao anything he wants if he asks and that’s dangerous. 

“I’m not just worried about him,” Sehun reveals. “Of course I’m worried about you.”

“Are you angry?” Chanyeol bites the inside of his lip. 

 

“Chanyeol you’re my best friend. You’re family. I’m sorry I yelled,” he apologizes. “I’m just worried about this. Do you like him? Do you even know?”

“I like him a lot,” Chanyeol admits. “It’s complicated right now but I promise I’ll fix it for all of us. I wouldn’t fuck with him like that, though.”

“Okay,” Sehun nods. “I’m so sorry Chanyeol. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, really. It’s your life.”

“I know,” he nods. “You’re just worried. I know you love me,” Chanyeol jokes.

“Yea,” he agrees seriously. “I do.”  
\--

Chanyeol hasn’t really been thinking of his thesis work in a heavy way but he’s been drawing in his notebooks and moleskin and putting down his thoughts and feelings into some artistic jumbled mess. Chanyeol doesn’t really feel any one strong way about his art. He does it because he feels he has to. He’s diligent, a hard worker, and a perfectionist. Every artist has a different way of working and Chanyeol’s is to channel all his problems and energy into his art. 

He’s not confident in himself but with his art he lets it be. He’s logical about reception and does his best to change what would fit his work best. He doesn’t keep most of what he works on a huge secret but his moleskines are private. They’re inspiration for him and they are intensely personal. 

Lately Tao’s been there a lot. There’s one page where it’s not the beginning but the middle. There’s bloody legs that he’s drawn on the paper, Tao’s eyes, and the day I really fucked up scrawled on the bottom with a date. Chanyeol always keeps this particular moleskine out. 

Tao comes over two days later because Chanyeol texts him. Jongdae sends Chanyeol a strange look when they pass each other but he ignores it. Sehun no doubt told him but he knows they’re not mad or at least he hopes. He can’t deal with that because he’s pathetic.

When they’re in his room Tao flops down onto Chanyeol’s bed, pulling him down to him. “What’d you wanna do?” 

“I wanted to...uh...ask you something,” Chanyel mumbles. Tao nods and sits up. He’s wearing his glasses today which makes him look smarter and cuter, almost sweeter in a sense. But he’s the sweetest already so they’re deceiving. Chanyeol inwardly rolls his eyes at his line of thought.

Tao nods and shifts around. “Wait,” he stops Chanyeol. “I’m sitting on something.” He wiggles around until he pulls the thing out from under him. The moleskine is open from where Chanyeol was looking at it and fuck he can’t believe he forgot. Tao looks at it then looks up at him, his eyebrows are furrowed and he looks confused. 

“Please stop looking.” Chanyeol tries to pluck the book out of his hands but there’s no give. Tao is, of course, much stronger than him 

“They’re good,” Tao says eventually. “It’s weird to see but they’re really good. You’re so talented.”

“Are you blushing because you’re flattered?” Tao laughs in response and nods, a second later Chanyeol feels Tao’s lips against his. “Tao…” Chanyeol pushes at Tao’s chest a little to get him to stop.

“Yea?” he asks, looking a little worried. Chanyeol’s not sure what on earth for because he just found a moleskine primarily dedicated to him so if he’s worried that Chanyeol is changing his affections that’s a bit impossible.

“I like you.” Silence. “I like you a lot.”

“What does that mean?”

“What does it mean? It means I like you. I don’t understand the question.”

“Do you want it to go somewhere or…”

“Why the fuck wouldn’t I?” Chanyeol asks incredulously. “How could I not? Do you want me to like write you love letters about how much I want to be with you? I’d do it. I’d do anything you ask.”

“So, you want to date?” Tao echoes. 

“Only if you want to,” Chanyeol replies. “I know we do this and I don’t know what it means to you but it feels so good.”

“Of course I want to,” Tao laughs. “I really like you too. But I have a tendency to just put my all into anything and people leave.”

“I swear that’s a One Tree Hill quote,” Chanyeol jokes. Tao punches him in the arm. “I like you more than you like me, probably. I’m not sure I’m worth it but you are.”

“Of course you are,” Tao sighs. “I’ve wanted you for so long and being able to half have you was enough. I’m really happy right now. Do you know how many ill timed boners you’ve spurred? All the times I almost got your pants off, dude.”

“That was your fault!” Chanyeol squawks.

“I have a new rule about no fucking anyone unless I’m with them now,” Tao says. “It stops me from getting hurt but I guess the more I wanted to be with you the harder it was to stop and you make me feel really wanted.”

“So we couldn’t touch dicks because we liked each other too much?” Chanyeol nods. 

 

“I’m not that easy, Park. You have to buy me something first.” 

“You make more money than I do!”  
\--  
Chanyeol’s decided on his final project for school. They have months to work on it, all year but he has to have a plan. He’s taking classes still, he’s working, and he has to work on something that will follow him for the rest of his life. He’s made up a plan on how he can manage everything with his therapist and he knows, he hopes he can do it.

He hasn’t had any real slip-ups lately, even after he picks up and hangs up a phone call from his parents. He feels off but Tao greeted him with a kiss at his apartment, and that’s good too. 

“My parent’s called,” he says when they get to his bed and he’s wrapped himself in Tao’s cover. He discreetly sniffs it because it smells just like him, laundry detergent and that cologne Chanyeol knows he wears because he told him he liked it months ago. Tao raises his eyebrows, stopping what he’s doing on the other side of the studio to go beside Chanyeol.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly, stroking his hair. Chanyeol nods. “Please block their numbers.”

“I can’t,” he sighs. They’ve had this conversation a couple of times pre-officially a couple and it remains the same. He feels some strange sense of duty towards them even though all his feelings with them are traumatic and he doesn’t want to go back. “What if they really need me?”

“Are you going to leave then?” Tao asks. “Are you going to give up all your hard work here, your friends, your real family, everything you’ve worked so hard and did on your own to be with them? That’s exactly what they want, Chanyeol. Nothing is good enough for them.”

“I know. Please don’t worry.”

“You know I can’t help it,” Tao almost cries. His anxiety is manageable but on bad days he shakes, his heart beats too many miles a minute he says, sometimes he throws up he’s so nervous and Chanyeol doesn’t want to be the cause of that, ever. “You’re not making me sick, it’s not you. I just worry that you’ll stop all of this and you’ll go back there and be so miserable and the worst will happen.”

“You’d miss me, yea?” he tries to tease, but it comes out seriously.

“I can live without you. I don’t need you, but it would hurt.” Tao looks at his wrist where the three black lines curve around. “The first time I saw you, I saw your scars. I don’t mean metaphorically but I mean you were wearing a tank top and there was a hole in the side and anyone could miss it but I saw them. They were so precise and I knew it wasn’t an accident.”

Chanyeol’s fingers immediately go to his side, he ghosts over the skin that’s scarred and frowns. “That’s…” 

“I really wanted to know you,” Tao confesses, laughing lightly. “Just because of that. I felt like you knew my pain, too. As I got to know you and we didn’t really get along I just kept seeing all this stuff I was supposed to miss but it was in me too. I’ve liked you forever.”

“I’m not enough for you,” Chanyeol whispers softly. “Never good enough for you. You deserve fucking everything and I don’t think I will give you enough no matter how much I try. You’ve always been so good to me.”

“Stop,” Tao shoves him.


End file.
